Why Are You So Mean To Yourself?
By: Kilondra Davis, MA, LMHC, NCC
As we walk through life, we are constantly surrounded by our society's, family's, friend's, and even stranger's thoughts and opinions. Some, which may be unsolicited! These thoughts and opinions may be more negative than positive and if we are not careful their negative opinions can become very influential on us and become our own internal dialogue.
The way we speak to ourselves is crucial. It shapes how we feel about ourselves and what we do. When our inner voice is demeaning, self-deprecating and pessimistic, it can cause us to be at a greater risk for depression, anxiety, and other challenges. It can also affect our self-esteem, ability to be resilient and decrease our motivation to reach our differing life goals.
Why are we so mean to ourselves?
Our self-talk is created in many different ways. It can be based upon our childhood, peers, social expectations, trauma we have went through, etc. There are so many different valid reasons for why we treat and speak to ourselves the way that we do. Even though its valid, we have to ask ourselves, when we talk to ourselves in a mean way about the way we look, our mistakes, and current life circumstances, is it helpful? Does it create a sense of peace, encouragement, and pride after we think it or is it an empty feeling of ‘not enough’?
Life is hard and brings many challenges that we don’t get to choose. With life being as hard as it is, we place unnecessary stress on ourselves when we tear ourselves down. Can you imagine trying to reach a goal, then life setting you back, then having a negative person following you around all day and night reminding you of how ‘bad’ you’re doing? It would be emotionally draining and make it very difficult to see and plan a way to succeed. But, when we are mean to ourselves, that is exactly what we are doing. We’re dismissing all of our accomplishments (big or small) and efforts.
Why are we depriving ourselves of kind words and encouragement when we give them so freely to others?
Who told you that you weren't good enough? When did you start believing you were a failure? What makes you keep speaking to yourself this way? Why do you feel your life has to look like theirs?
Answering these questions could help uncover the reasoning for the negative self-talk. It can bring attention to it and allow you to process them!
Here are some helpful tips to decrease the negative self-talk:
Look for evidence that support the opposite of what you tell yourself.
For example, if you tell yourself that you are a failure, think about a time that you did something well!
Ask yourself, would I say this to someone I loved?
Give yourself Grace.
Give yourself permission to learn and get better at the task at hand.
Tell yourself positive affirmations that feel genuine to you.
Remember:
You're the one who has been with you through everything, the one that is doing the best that you can with what you have been given, so...be kind to yourself. You deserve it.