Forgiving Yourself Isn't Easy, But... You're Worth It
By: Kilondra Davis, MA, LMHC, NCC
Many of us have been told one time or another that we need to forgive someone. We've probably even been told that we hold on to grudges and that we need to 'let things go'. But how many of us have been told that we need to forgive ourselves?
Forgiving ourselves is not easy and there are many reasons we may choose not to do it. This list below are a few reasons we may chose not to forgive ourselves is just a start! If what is stated above does not fit your story, may be ask yourself.....
"Why have I not forgiven myself?"
Nevertheless, some reasons we may choose not to forgive ourselves could be any of the following:
It could be because we do not want to let ourselves "off the hook" for what we have done.
It could be the belief that if we forgive ourselves, then it would mean the act or actions that we've done were 'okay' and 'doesn't matter'.
It could be the idea of us wanting to 'punish' ourselves because we feel undeserving of good.
It could be because we broke so many promises to ourselves and did things we said we would never do.
It could be because it feels good to hold onto the grudge, to be angry, to hold on to everything because in a way it gives us purpose. An identity.
It could be because if we forgive .....it would mean we would have to address the emotions and process them, and....honestly....processing our emotions is definitely not motivation to forgive anyone for anything.
As valid as all of those reasons are.....What if I told you that forgiveness does not negate all that you have done or that has happened to you?
What is forgiveness?
Forgiveness is acting on an intentional decision to release the emotions of resentment, anger, bitterness, and vengeance that is being held within ourselves. It is not the act of pretending the actions, words, or events that harmed us did not happen or were 'okay'. It does not give a 'pass' to the one that has caused harm....AND...despite what many people may think, it is also not the act of forgetting.
Why do I need to forgive myself?
Forgiving ourselves allows for unity within. It creates space to repair the damaged self view, negative self talk, self-doubt, low self-esteem, self-hatred, grudges, and self-sabotaging behaviors that we have with ourselves. Forging ourselves allows us to remember that we are not our mistakes. It gives us an opportunity to thrive in life, to reach our goals, to be the best version of ourselves, to free ourselves from our past. If we chose not to release ourselves from our mistakes and shortcomings, we will hinder our present and our future.
How do I forgive myself?
There are many ways in which one can forgive themselves! The three methods outlined below are the options that have been the most successful in working with clients I have had the honor to help along their journey. There is no 'right' way to forgive yourself. The direction and method you choose, has to feel authentic to you in order for it to work. With whatever direction you take on your forgiveness journey, remember it is a process and is not meant to be done instantly. So give yourself grace as you try to find the method that works for you.
Option One:
The first option is one that many people may be the most familiar with. It involves the intentional acts of the following:
Bestowing grace onto yourself
Pointing out your current efforts of change
Creating a plan of continued change.
The plan you create will answer the question of "how will I intentionally do things differently than before"
Pointing out double standards of forgiveness
If a friend or someone you loved, did the same thing that you did, would you forgive them? If so, then why will you not forgive yourself.
Reminding yourself of the facts
Reminding yourself of specifically what you have done and not the way you feel about what you've done. A simple example of this would be, if you were expected to buy milk for dinner and you forgot to buy the milk. However, when you were asked about it, you began to feel as if you were a 'failure' and a 'let down to your family'. Reminding yourself of the facts would be, I did not pick up the milk. This will help separate the actual act from the perceived act. Making it less challenging to forgive yourself because it is easier to forgive yourself for forgetting milk than it is to forgive yourself for being a 'failure' and a 'let down to the family'.
Option Two:
The second option has been used when there is a a very limited desire to see the self in a positive light, when there is a true disdain for the self, when there is a dogmatic belief to be 'at fault' and 'to blame', and when there is no desire to convince the self of being "worthy" and/or "deserving" of forgiveness. It takes the approach we wish others would use towards us when they are seeking our forgiveness.
The second option involves viewing our past self as a 'separate' individual and choosing to forgive the past version in order to be able to become the best version of our current and future self. This steps look like the following:
Outlining all the things the past self has done wrong and the reasons
Relate each item from the list to why the self is upset about these things and why you choose not to forgive yourself
Acknowledge each item on the list and take ownership of each item and the effect(the reason we are upset about it)
Apologize specifically for each item and the effect. The apology has to be genuine.
Create a plan for your current and future self.
The plan will answer the question of 'how will I intentionally do things differently from before" (next time I will.....).
The choice is then to forgive the self after the apology and plan.
Respond with "I am forgiving you past self because... and my forgiveness looks like..." can be helpful.
The great part about the second option is we have absolute control of how we apologize to ourselves. When others give us an apology, we have no control over what they say, how they say it, what they don't say, and how genuine they are. This is one of the reasons option two works, because it gives us a lot of control. Although it is stated in the above paragraphs, it is important to remember that option two will not happen over night. It is a process and is meant to take some time to work on creating a better you.
Option Three:
The third option involves seeking forgiveness from the individual(s) you feel you may have harmed by apologizing to them and/or seeking forgiveness from a higher power that you believe in. This can help to clear the conscious and give a peace of mind about past wrong doings. After seeking forgiveness, it would then be helpful to create a plan of continued change. Similar to option one, the plan will answer the question of 'how will you intentionally do things differently/what are you going to change'.
Whether it be the three methods, a combination of the three mentioned here, or other strategies that work for you....
Remember
"As you continue your journey to become the best version of yourself, forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made, for the actions you did not take, and for the words you have said. You had to start somewhere, and you were doing the best you had with what you knew.
Forgive yourself. You deserve it. You are worth it."
- Unknown
"Chose everyday to forgive yourself. You are human, flawed, and most of all deserving of self-love."
- Alison Maylee